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Pure Desire

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The sky hangs low, and I can almost touch where the midnight blue gently kisses the golden brilliance of the setting sun. It is a dying star, wilting and crumbling like me. Once, we had smiled, trapped in our own brilliance. Once, we had laughed, aching to hold onto something. Why had we never known that we'd always held each other?
I want to be pure.
I want to run past the streets with arms raised and voice high, the stars stumbling behind me.
I want to soar like a wisp of smoke above the night night sky- just where the ice is painfully born within the empty stratosphere.
I want to float, unbidden like the wind, closer to you. To become the air, rushing around you just so I can taste your skin and know that you breathe only me.
I want to untangle from you only to ravel you into my being again.
I
want
to be
pure.
I want to fly like I can and I can with nothing to stand between me and the shadow of the moon...

There are so many doubts swirling by me, empty skeleton pictures formed only in my desire, and not reality....
If only...
If only I could wake up in the morning with you around me...
If only I could see your sliding eyes melt into mine again...
If only we could always be together....

If only I could know why we cannot.

I want to be pure
for you
I want you to kiss me softly against my lips and haunt me there forever.
I want you to smile when the wind burns past and you see iconic little girls with swinging pigtails.
I want you to say "I love you" without making it sound like a good bye.

I want to be pure for you, pure so I can find you when I'm falling falling like a comet through the multifaceted layers of your mind.
I want to be beautiful with all my hair back- all my voice. The voice that sang because of you. The voice you never heard.
What was life like before the cancer returned and began to eat me whole?
Why did I only experience dying through the fading light in your eyes?

I want to live again. To crawl up from my almost fresh grave and scream with you. I want to stand, tears dripping like fire, with my head against the wall, eyes tightly shut, just so you can find me.

I want to be more than just a scent in the wind that whispers by you like my perfume.
I want to be more than a leaked essence standing guard in your long trashed apartment, holding your bleeding head between intangible hands.
I want to live again for you... just so I can die a better death. A death where I didn't decompose, didn't disintegrate before your eyes. One where I didn't scream when it hurt.
But most of all, a death that I didn't try to blame you for.
Why had you believed me so readily, when I had sobbed, broken in the fits of physical agony, that you were the reason I was dying? Was it because it made more sense to you than the way I loved you?
Why didn't you want to be pure for me too?
Why didn't
you want to
die
for me too?

I want to be pure for you- pure as the rain baptizing my cold gravestone, pure as your tears when you bend to the wet ground where I once was, and kiss the razor blades of grass. Pure as the blood dripping from your cut lips, dripping into my ground for me to taste with chapped, blue lips- because that would be the only way you can kiss me now.

I want you to know that I died for you, died for your life and your quest and the heart you never truly gave me.

The sun is long gone now, leaving only a sliver of silver light in the sky. The stars are calling to me again- come, they say. The nighttime wind is murmuring for me to fly with her. Is it so wrong that I want to leave with them?
Because in the end... all that I truly want is to be pure for you, so you can learn to cry without pain, and I can learn to remain dead without desire.

 

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