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//dipped in black//

i believe in the word 'forever'.

and because of that, sometimes, i don't like being a believer, because i
believe in nothing that the world can offer either of us.

//dipped in black, my soul was//

i was empty like dried sea gulls.

the ones that got old and shriveled up by the shore. i used to see them
crashing around on the dirty broken beach. i called them dried seagulls and
mom just laughed and said 'stop being silly baby. they just can't fly any
more.'

but i knew that they were just drying away.

the way that i am now.

so i showed up at your apartment door with a husky whisper and a hollow soul
to be fucked.

but just because i showed up at your apartment door to be fucked didn't mean
i intended to let you.

i only wanted you to.

the first time i came for that purpose i had a bee to stop you.

this time there was nothing to keep you from unraveling/possessing me.

i came apart like reams of colored ribbons on your floor, weaving into you.

i came apart like ribbons.

i came apart for you to tear into pieces of dried seagull dying by the
seashore.

but then, when you took me you didn't push me up against the wall like i
expected you to.

you kissed me, just once, precious and soft beneath the skin between my eye
and ear.

i came apart like ribbons, and you smoothed and kissed them instead of
tearing them apart.

i was dried seagulls with no more wings but then you kissed me and made me fly
again.

oh, god, mulder.

just because i showed up to be fucked didn't mean you had to make love to
me.

why did you have to make love to me?

//dipped in black, my soul was yours//

you didn't want possession. i thought you were as empty as i was. i thought
you were as tainted as i was.

i never thought that you could be so pure. never thought that you could be
so tender tender tender. never ever thought you could touch so light and
burn so deep.

it was cold outside but it was warm when you were inside me. you, just
running feathered fingers along my curling flame. you, with eyes like fired
glass, green swirling dark into blue. your eyes never left mine, never
closed for an instant, never disappeared into your own ecstasy as so many
other men's eyes did.

you were so much more than they were.

you were forever.

i wanted to be fucked over and left to die but you made love to me instead
and told me that we'd be forever.

//dipped in black, my soul was yours to brand with hate//

you made me live again. no immortality here, just life in the form of the
softest of kisses along my jaw. warm brushes of light coming away in sparks
and pulls of a void being dripped slowly full. you made me want to breathe
again because you were there as soft as whispering little flower petals for
me to melt into. whispering little seagull wings for me to melt into so
completely.

//dipped in black, my soul was yours to brand with hate and heal//

i didn't think i wanted to breathe/fly again.

i didn't think i wanted you to make love to me.

i just wanted 'forever'

so you said 'forever'

and sealed it with one warm lull of your lips along the base of my neck.

i never thought i could want to be touched like that, drawn slow and
blistered like a sheet of rarefied silk. I never thought i could be held
that closely, worshipped by the fire-blown stroke of your skin.

//dipped in black, my soul was yours to brand with hate and heal with love//

when i told myself i wanted 'forever' i thought i meant it.

and now you're just sleeping warm around me. you're just sleeping warm and
there and there and you can hold me and make it better. make it heal.

and i can lie here inside of you, dark in guilt and indecision.

somewhere in my cold clothes wilting on the floor around your bed is a gun,
a gun i intended to shoot you with.

why couldn't you have been rough, Mulder?

you should have fucked me and let me kill you, like i intended for you to
do.

you had to ruin it all with just

o n e

    k i s s

i n s i d e

  m y

        s
          k
            i
             n .

oh, god, mulder.


i could have made it all end.


so why did you have to make love to me?


//dipped in black//


i wanted it to end. no more shadow men, no more dead children clawing at my
legs.

i wanted us to be forever, after i shot you then myself, because that was
the only way we could have been together, without your shadow men breathing
hot and cold with drowning rivulets down our necks.

//dipped in black, my soul was//

instead you crumbled my indecision.

i came apart like ribbons, and so did you.

you said 'i love you scully and we'll be forever'

and i believed you.

and because of that, sometimes, i don't like being a believer, because i
believe in nothing that this world can offer either of us.

but this time, i'll believe that it's true.

believe just in you.

because i love you.

i love you.


tomorrow i'll put the gun back into the drawer of my desk beside my picture
of emily. tomorrow i'll let you chase after the shadow men. we won't let
them tear us apart like that. tomorrow we'll face our demons and make love
because we can.

but tonight we'll just be forever. tonight we'll last forever.

and now i'm sleeping warm warm inside of you, tainted as I've always been.

because I know now that you can make me pure again.

//dipped in black, my soul was yours//



________________________________________
.finis.______________________

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